Letter to my husband following a relapse...I'm normal again following this letter I wrote him a couple of weeks ago. Thank you God.

My Husband,
I am sorry if I have upset you. I didn't mean to and I certainly didn't mean anything I said.
I don' t know how else to make you understand that my head is a mess right now. This has nothing to do with you. I feel like there is added pressure when you hilight to me the things I'm doing wrong or where I'm lacking - but this is all about me. It sounds so selfish, and I'm sorry. I'm just going through a tough time trying to focus and think about so many things - amidst the turmoil that I feel on what happened to me in the past. It might sound like an excuse, but it's not, please believe that.

It's easy for me to hide what I'm feeling. That's why it's so easy to be normal around everyone else. With you it's more difficult to hide it because I don't feel the need to - I guess hoping that you will understand. I know now that it's not always possible. Maybe I do have to tell you what I'm feeling - I'm just not always comfortable doing that when its about what happened to me. I always feel like I'm burdening you or that you might think that I should just get over it. It's not easy. I can live with it most days - and I can get over it most days. There is however those times where I am reminded of it in the harshest ways and I hate that I have to relive it in my head. I don't always realise how it affects other aspects of my life until I really think about it. I hate that it seems to happen when there are other things going on in my life. Maybe I put myself into these depressed states. I tend to start feeling all the lacks in self confidence that I usually feel. That I'm not a good enough mother, not a good enough daughter, worker, friend etc etc. I hate it - but can't control it sometimes.

On Sunday, I felt terrible. It was good to be around so many people, as I was forced to hide it. But inside I was not the same and didn't feel the same. I still don't. I will be normal again. It's just in my head - and I have to get myself back to that space where I don't think about it. What normally makes it easier for me is when we are on good terms and I have the support without even thinking about it. I guess when I can see you're upset or anything remotely upsets me - then it feels like the walls are collapsing around me.

I AM VERY SORRY. I hate that this happens - and I hate that I put you through this everytime. Maybe it will be easier if you don't have to deal with issues like this. I just don't want you to walk away not understanding what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It's easy for me to forget about it - but unfortunately it's just as easy for me to be reminded of it.

You are normally my saving grace in moments like these. When we fight, I feel like I'm alone and have no one. I become resentful of so many things. Unfortunately I feel resentful that no one that loves me ever wants to talk about it. No one asks me about it. No one asks how I'm doing with it. No one ever thinks that the Zuma trial affected me - that the fact that he got away with it affected me - that the fact that so many women will go through this because of him affected me. I don't expect anyone to speak to me about it - least of all you. But I sometimes wish that I could speak about it and not have to pretend that it didn't happen.
I feel resentful of so many things sometimes - and often I'm reminded of it when I'm reminded of what happened. I have come a long way. In the past - it would become so bad that I would think about taking my own life. If I didn't have a family and you I probably would have. Now I can go through this and not even think about that. It's still hard, but it's better.

I pasted my story about what happened to me below this long email in the hope that you will somehow see what I'm feeling because I can't explain it. I dont expect you to relate to it. You are not me and cant feel what I feel - I just want you to know what I know - and maybe have some inkling of what I feel. I don't want to hurt you with my story or remind you of what happened. I just want you to know that this is a part of who I am. You might not even remember what happened to me - maybe this will remind you so you can somehow know what I have to rememeber everytime I'm reminded of it.

I know you don't want to go through this everytime. And I'm sorry. If it's better for you to move on with your life and not have to deal with this - then I will respect that. I will understand. I'm sorry for this long email - I just could never say all this without crying or stopping because of something you might say or a look you might give me. I'm not asking you to pity me , I'm not using this as an excuse for my behaviour. I'm being raw - this is me - no pretences, no facade - the raw me and what I feel.

I love you . And once again I am sorry for upsetting you. Please know that it is never my intention - I just manage to do it without thinking...