Challenge to Rape SurvivorsJourney to a new you
Welcome to the Challenge for Rape Survivors. This challenge is not designed by me – it is part of the universal laws of nature and the Infinite Spirit, God, the Universe, all that is. Trust in the challenge and yourself and maybe you will see a difference.
The challenge does not promise to magically take your pain away – or give you a quickie solution to what you are going through. It is merely a vehicle to get your thoughts onto another level – to redesign your thought processes – to send your message out to the universe. And hopefully to come out of it a stronger, happier person.
The challenge does not have a time length – it is not a 2 week or six week challenge – but I do ask that you try and stick to it for at least 2 weeks.
Step 1Buy yourself a journal – you can either buy a beautiful one – or a plain one which you can then decorate. This journal is to be titled – “Me”
Step 2The following words has to be said every day – whether you say it in the morning when you wake or at night. They are from http://www.thesecret.tv – affirmations that are extremely powerful. Print out the words , cut it out and paste it as the first page of your journal. When you say these words – truly believe in each sentence and feel the power of the words:
Today is the beginning of my new lifeI am starting over todayAll good things are coming to me todayI’m grateful to be aliveI see beauty all around meI live with passion and purposeI take time to laugh and play every dayI am awake, energised and aliveI focus on all good things in life and give THANKS for themI am at peace and one with everythingI feel the love, the joy, the abundanceI am free to be myselfI am magnifiscence in human formI am perfection of lifeI am grateful to be meToday is the best day of my life
Step 3On the second page of your journal – write down everything your specific heart desires as if you have it RIGHT NOW – whether its feelings, spiritual, material – no matter – write it down. No negative words are allowed. Eg. Don’t wish not to feel pain – wish to feel blessed.
Some examples :I am a wonderful friend surrounded by great friends who love me and I love themI am a famous singer with millions of fans who love my musicI am a wonderful woman, strong and powerful filled with joyI am wealthy and able to buy anything I desire
Step 4
If you have pictures or photos that relate to your personal hearts desires, cut them out and paste it into your journal. Or if you're artistic, draw your desires, paint them, embellish them with trinkets and tokens. Make it yours.
Step 5
Every day – after saying the words above. You have to read every line of your hearts desires. Then close your eyes and visualize your hearts desire as if you have it. Picture yourself there, imagine the smells, sounds, colors, feelings – everything that puts you in that moment. If it’s simply being a happy person – picture how happy you are.
You have to do this every day and stick to the following Challenge rules:
Challenge Rules
You are not allowed to think of any negative thoughts. You cannot control your every thought – but you’ll know that your thoughts are becoming negative – when you start to feel it. As soon as you feel it – the normal negative feelings – change your thoughts – distract yourself away from them by thinking of something good, focus your attention on doing things that make you feel good.
In your journal, Each day, make a list of things you are thankful for – even the smallest things
In your journal , Make a list of the things that are wonderful about you – add to it every day
Let go of your resentments – brush them aside
Appreciate the beauty in nature – the sky, the grass, flowers, trees, birds, water etc
See yourself as a happy person with only good things in your life
Do not contemplate the past or the future – focus only on you and your happiness in the now
Laugh – watch funny movies. Think of funny memories
Distract yourself from being negative about anything – try to use only positive words. Eg. Instead of anti-war – say pro-peace
Make your happiness the only thing you focus on (do not focus on what happened to you –as hard as it may be – try – brush it aside – distract your mind – read a book – sing a song loudly, call someone – write a happy poem )
These rules are essential . Remember the more you think about the negative – the more power you give to it – and the more negativity you attract. You can never reach a state of happiness if you dwell in the negative or with negative people. You attract more of what you think of – so think abut good things.
This challenge and rules may seem simplistic and maybe even wishful – but I promise you it works if you stick to it and believe it in your heart. Believe in yourself and your ability to overcome and be happy. Believe in your hearts desires come true. Believe in the fact that you can be the YOU you were intended to be by grand design in Gods infinite wisdom.
The residue of what happened to you will slowly dissipate. There will be no more room in your heart or life for self pity and woe and sadness and dispair. Your heart and life will be too full of happiness to entertain sinful thoughts of resentment and hatred. Why carry such a heavy burden on your heart – when it’s so much easier to let go and let God. Give Him the troubles to deal with and the judgment to mete out – focus on happiness - yours – instead. As you become happier, so your happiness will flow to others around you and influence their lives.
I wish you luck on your journey. Always in love and light.

Visit http://www.rape.co.za for more help with the challenge.

That time of the year is coming around. It happened between October and November. It's not 100% clear in my memory exactly which month - but my soul can feel it. The negative energy that suddenly comes into my thoughts.

The depression that comes back to haunt me like clock work each year. I can be reduced to tears by teen rom-com musicals (just watched High School Musical and almost bawled my eyes out!).
It's tough.

When it comes to this time of the year - I can almost hear a distant bell tolling for me - a sign to pull me back into despair. The sadness overwhelms me and I try to hide it - but it's there none the less.

I know it's a phase - it's still hard though.

I try to remember the divine words "My child, this too shall pass"...Strength.

Powa: Rape Ads of the World

I received the following in my Inbox from a lady called Carol-Anne. Thank you for sharing.
This poem appeared this past week in our local news paper. I thought it to be very accurate and just.

Translated it is as follows:

Rapist
By EP Syster
Who are you?
Preying animal of the veldt
That catches defenceless little girls in your trap
and make them promise to never tell
of you atrocities from hell.

Who are you?
That leaves torn little bodies in shame
and stop their cries with blood stained hands
while staring eyes still, mixing with death's bands

Who are you?
That reset God's laws
with cunning wiles
in you sinister fun

Yes!
Rapist or paedophile
It is you that destroy children
in you satanic wheel

Listen up
Rainbow nation
Start acting
Because our younger generation
is being annihilated by demonic creatures

Letter to my husband following a relapse...I'm normal again following this letter I wrote him a couple of weeks ago. Thank you God.

My Husband,
I am sorry if I have upset you. I didn't mean to and I certainly didn't mean anything I said.
I don' t know how else to make you understand that my head is a mess right now. This has nothing to do with you. I feel like there is added pressure when you hilight to me the things I'm doing wrong or where I'm lacking - but this is all about me. It sounds so selfish, and I'm sorry. I'm just going through a tough time trying to focus and think about so many things - amidst the turmoil that I feel on what happened to me in the past. It might sound like an excuse, but it's not, please believe that.

It's easy for me to hide what I'm feeling. That's why it's so easy to be normal around everyone else. With you it's more difficult to hide it because I don't feel the need to - I guess hoping that you will understand. I know now that it's not always possible. Maybe I do have to tell you what I'm feeling - I'm just not always comfortable doing that when its about what happened to me. I always feel like I'm burdening you or that you might think that I should just get over it. It's not easy. I can live with it most days - and I can get over it most days. There is however those times where I am reminded of it in the harshest ways and I hate that I have to relive it in my head. I don't always realise how it affects other aspects of my life until I really think about it. I hate that it seems to happen when there are other things going on in my life. Maybe I put myself into these depressed states. I tend to start feeling all the lacks in self confidence that I usually feel. That I'm not a good enough mother, not a good enough daughter, worker, friend etc etc. I hate it - but can't control it sometimes.

On Sunday, I felt terrible. It was good to be around so many people, as I was forced to hide it. But inside I was not the same and didn't feel the same. I still don't. I will be normal again. It's just in my head - and I have to get myself back to that space where I don't think about it. What normally makes it easier for me is when we are on good terms and I have the support without even thinking about it. I guess when I can see you're upset or anything remotely upsets me - then it feels like the walls are collapsing around me.

I AM VERY SORRY. I hate that this happens - and I hate that I put you through this everytime. Maybe it will be easier if you don't have to deal with issues like this. I just don't want you to walk away not understanding what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. It's easy for me to forget about it - but unfortunately it's just as easy for me to be reminded of it.

You are normally my saving grace in moments like these. When we fight, I feel like I'm alone and have no one. I become resentful of so many things. Unfortunately I feel resentful that no one that loves me ever wants to talk about it. No one asks me about it. No one asks how I'm doing with it. No one ever thinks that the Zuma trial affected me - that the fact that he got away with it affected me - that the fact that so many women will go through this because of him affected me. I don't expect anyone to speak to me about it - least of all you. But I sometimes wish that I could speak about it and not have to pretend that it didn't happen.
I feel resentful of so many things sometimes - and often I'm reminded of it when I'm reminded of what happened. I have come a long way. In the past - it would become so bad that I would think about taking my own life. If I didn't have a family and you I probably would have. Now I can go through this and not even think about that. It's still hard, but it's better.

I pasted my story about what happened to me below this long email in the hope that you will somehow see what I'm feeling because I can't explain it. I dont expect you to relate to it. You are not me and cant feel what I feel - I just want you to know what I know - and maybe have some inkling of what I feel. I don't want to hurt you with my story or remind you of what happened. I just want you to know that this is a part of who I am. You might not even remember what happened to me - maybe this will remind you so you can somehow know what I have to rememeber everytime I'm reminded of it.

I know you don't want to go through this everytime. And I'm sorry. If it's better for you to move on with your life and not have to deal with this - then I will respect that. I will understand. I'm sorry for this long email - I just could never say all this without crying or stopping because of something you might say or a look you might give me. I'm not asking you to pity me , I'm not using this as an excuse for my behaviour. I'm being raw - this is me - no pretences, no facade - the raw me and what I feel.

I love you . And once again I am sorry for upsetting you. Please know that it is never my intention - I just manage to do it without thinking...

I decided to start an online blog. Most of my journals are the traditional paper based ones - but I decided to go techno on myself and start one online. For the uninitiated, as the site owner of http://www.rape.co.za, I've managed to retain anonymity - which I prefer. Most people that know me still don't know that I've been raped. Only those really close to me are remotely aware. As sad as this sounds - I've decided to post My Story of my own rape as my first blog. I guess it's to set the scene of my blog...I'm fortunate that I can, without having the terrible flashbacks I used to get. That's called being a Survivor :) I've decided to also use this as a forum to simply vent anything I feel like, post poetry, opinions etc etc.

My Story

I was 18 years old. I had just graduated from high school and was ready to begin my life. Still in a mild state of confusion on what I wanted to do with my life, I enjoyed the new found freedom of not having to go to school and simply being. Little did I realise that soon my whole life was about to change...
It was a Saturday early evening. I was alone at home with our maid and listening to music. A smoker, I soon ran out of cigarettes and decided to walk through the veld at the back of our home to the shops nearby. Something I had done dozens of times before without fear.As I returned from the shops clutching my cigarettes and bubblegum in my hands, I was about 2 feet from our backyard gate. I suddenly turned upon hearing the rustle of the tall grass. Thinking it was our neighbour, I laughed and called out his name. As I turned my head to proceed through our gate, I felt someone grab me from behind.I felt a hot sweaty arm around my neck, in his hand a long knife which looked like a grass cutter I had seen on TV. Not comprehending what was happening to me, I asked him what he wanted. I heard myself pleading with him not to kill me. As I said the words, I imagined that knife slicing across my throat. The thought terrified me. I imagined what my parents would say when they found out, what my boyfriend would feel. In an instant, everyone I loved and who loved me flashed through my mind. What would they say. Would they blame me for walking to the shops alone ? Would they be upset ? In retrospect, how naive and childlike I was.Suddenly he raised the grass cutter and my arm shot up to protect my face. He had hit me with the bottom handle of the grass cutter. It pierced the skin on my forearm, leaving tiny incisions which would remain scarred until today.In a low voice he told me to walk. "Please!" I pleaded "please don't kill me, don't hurt me, I'll do anything you say", I went on. Hoping that he would let me go. As we walked, he guided me with one hand, the knife close to my leg. I could feel it. He was shorter than me. A scruffy old looking man. I could smell that he had been drinking. I wandered where we were going. Subconsciously I think I knew what was going to happen. What I didn't know, was whether I was going to die that night.As we walked I realised that we were walking towards the train station. I looked around searching, hoping that someone could see. There were a number of people in the distance waiting for trains. I tried to secretly summon them with my arm, screaming in my mind for them to look at us. They didn't. I thought I heard someone shout "Hey" in the distance. But there was no hope.As we approached the train station, we diverted into a patch of tall grass. He ordered me to lay down and take my pants down while he held the grass cutter above his head and loosened his own pants. "Oh God no" I thought silently. I had my period. I could feel the blood gushing out as I lay there. Hope ? "I have my period", I said hoping it would deter him. He didn't care. He didn't say a word.Then it happened. It didn't hurt at all. I thought it would. As sick as the thought was, I was glad I had my period. As he raped me, I told myself that I was being raped. I tried to think how I could try to grab the grass cutter, but was immobilsed by fear.I looked up at the stars that were now shining brightly in the early Summer sky. I asked God why this was happening to me. I asked God to please help me. I asked God for this man to not kill me. I pleaded for it to be over. I wanted to go home.And then it was.He slowly got up and dressed. I watched him as I pulled my own pants up. Again I pleaded for him not to kill me. He was suddenly nice. Nice ? A rapist nice ? But he was. He acted as if this was a normal coupling. A mating between a new couple. He casually mentioned that he had brought another girl here before recently. I secretly hoped that I could one day meet her. I'm not sure what made me start talking to him in a friendly manner, but I did. I started asking him questions. Where did he live. He told me. What his name was. He told me. Was he going to take me home. Yes he said. Yes ! I couldn't believe it. I had the nerve to tell him to please walk me home as I was scared. I didn't know what else to say. Anything to get home. And he did. This "nice" rapist walked me home, left me at the gate and said goodbye.Going inside, I was in shock. I could not believe what had happened. Was this real. Our maid came into the kitchen and asked me what was wrong. I said nothing and slowly walked to my room. I looked at the cuts on my arm. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw through it. I stood there forever.In the days before cellphones, I could not call my parents. I didn't know what to do. I was numb. Eventually I called my boyfriend. He wasn't home. I called his friend's house and he wasn't there either. I eventually left a message for them to please tell him that I was attacked for him to please come quickly.About a half an hour later, still in shock, my boyfriend arrived with his friend. I was angry. So angry. Why did he bring his friend with. With the two of them there, I made the splt decision not to tell them I was raped. I felt violated and ashamed and embarassed for him or anyone else to know. If his friend was not there perhaps I would have told the truth. Instead I lied.I broke down into a flood of inconsolable tears. Eventually my parents arrived, and even then I couldn't say a word. I didn't know what to say. When my father eventually called the police and they started asking me questions, I told them what my attacker had told me, his name and where he lived. I still didn't tell them I had been raped. They thought I had just been attacked. I didn't correct them.It took me four years before I finally broke down and told my mother the truth. Thereafter I eventually opened up to my boyfriend who became my husband and father to two beautiful children.It's been over 10 years since it happened and I am getting better at coping and dealing with the pain, and healing. I don't have any regrets about not going to the police or telling the truth when it happened. I sometimes think whether my life would have been different if I had, but I'm not sure.I still suffer from extreme depression, but am able to cope with more ease than I used to. Previously every disappointment in my life or reminder of what happened to me would send me on a suicidal thought journey. I would pln my suicide in detail, but never went through it.I have tried to overdose on sleeping tablets, slit my wrists, take every pill under the sun. Fortunately I was able to come out of the self destructuve pattern I was constantly in.I will share the various mechanisms I use and still use to cope and hope that somehow this will help others. I have become a stronger person spiritually and am at the stage in my life where I can honestly bless my attacker. I have forgiven him. There is no way I can easily forget the hurt and pain of the experience and still wonder how different my life and personality would have been had it not happened. But at the end of each day, I can say thank you to God that I am still here to live another day, to tell my story, to give hope to others in despair, knowing that I have been there..Peace.